A Guide for Our Guests
Three ceremonies across two days. The Indian and Korean ones fall on Saturday, the Western one on Sunday. Some of you will know one of these by heart and be seeing the other two for the first time.
Three ceremonies is a great deal to ask of a guest, so this page exists to take the guesswork out of it. Nothing here requires preparation, and nothing requires participation.
Saturday runs the Indian and Korean ceremonies back to back. Sunday is the Western ceremony at Willow Heights Mansion, outdoors, about thirty minutes long.
Read on if you are curious. Arrive knowing nothing at all if you would rather be surprised. Either suits us perfectly.
Indian · Saturday
सप्तपदी, the seven steps
This is the moment we are married. At the temple, before a small fire, we walk seven rounds and make seven promises, with Agni as our witness. Our garments are tied together in a knot, the gathbandhan.
We are keeping it simple. Seven rounds, and our families there to see them. The full account is set out below.
Korean · Saturday
폐백, the greeting of the family
A ceremony for our parents. Seated before a folding screen, they receive a deep bow from us that begins standing and ends on the floor, and cups of wine we pour with two hands. In return they give us their counsel on marriage.
Then they throw dried jujubes and chestnuts, which Josephine has to catch in her skirt. It ends with Kshitij carrying her around the table on his back. The full account is set out below.
American · Sunday
The rite most familiar
Walking down the aisle, vows we wrote ourselves, two rings, and a first kiss. Our wedding party will be seated along the aisle rather than lined up at the altar.
We then walk back out beneath a fall of dried petals, thrown by our flower grandmothers. It was the one honor we knew belonged to them.
Agni, the sacred fire, stands as divine witness to all that is promised.
On the SaptapadiIndian · Saturday
The heart of the Hindu ceremony, and the moment at which we become husband and wife.
We are holding a small version of it at the temple. No mandap, no procession. A priest, a fire, seven rounds, and our families sitting close.
Agni, fire, stands witness to everything we promise, and the marriage is complete and binding when the seventh step is taken. Our garments are knotted together beforehand. Kshitij leads the first rounds, Josephine the rest. Everyone who has done it tells us we will forget the whole thing the moment we stand up.
A promise to keep a household together and to see that no one in it goes without.
Strength of body, mind, and spirit, and a promise to face what comes together.
A pledge to earn an honest living, and the wisdom to hold prosperity honestly.
Love, respect, and happiness within the family, and a vow to honor each other's parents.
A promise to raise our children knowing where they come from, which in our case is two places at once.
Long life and good health, and care for one another in sickness as in health.
The final round seals the bond of lifelong friendship. Partners before we are anything else.
With this seventh step, we are forever companions.
The seventh vowThe fire is lit in the havan kund. The priest ties Josephine's dupatta to Kshitij's shawl, and, guided by his chanting in Sanskrit, we walk clockwise around the fire seven times.
A Hindu wedding can run for days. We have taken the seven rounds, which are the ones that marry us, and left the rest: our families near enough to touch, for the twenty minutes that matter.
Please leave your shoes at the entrance and cover your shoulders and knees. There will be an open flame and some smoke, so sit toward the back if that is difficult. Photographs are welcome. Beyond that, nothing is asked of you.
Korean · Saturday
The oldest thing we are doing all weekend.
Pyebaek goes back to the fourteenth century and comes out of Confucian respect for elders. It was once private, held days after the wedding, with only the groom's family attending.
We have kept what matters and opened the room. Both sets of parents are seated, both are bowed to, and everyone is welcome to watch.
Our parents sit behind a low table, before a folding screen. The bow begins standing and ends on the floor, our foreheads pressed to our hands. Both of us have had to be taught.
We pour for our parents and offer the cup with two hands, which is how respect is shown in Korea. They pour for us in return, for health and for prosperity.
Our parents give us their advice on marriage, drawn from their own. The only part of the weekend nobody has rehearsed.
Our parents throw dried jujubes and chestnuts, and Josephine catches what she can in her skirt. The number caught is said to be the number of children, and we are told we have to eat what we catch for any of it to count.
Our parents give us money in white envelopes to begin our life together. The sleeves of the bridal robe are made deep enough to hold them.
We bow once more to our parents, and then to all of you.
Kshitij carries Josephine on his back around the table, a demonstration that he can carry her, and their family, through whatever comes.
Please do take photographs during this one. It is the liveliest thing we are doing.
On the pyebaekThe pyebaek sang is a low table set with symbolic food: jujubes and chestnuts at the center, with rice cakes, fruit, and rice wine. Ours follows Josephine's family as closely as we can manage.
Josephine wears a hwalot, the embroidered bridal robe, over a hanbok. Kshitij wears samo gwandae, the robe and winged hat of a court official. Both are rented for the day.
Historically held days after the wedding at the groom's family home; modern couples hold it the same day. Ours falls on Saturday, alongside the Saptapadi.
The ceremony was built for a bride entering her husband's family, and only his relatives attended. Here the Korean family is Josephine's, so both sets of parents are seated, bowed to, and thanked.
Sunday · The Reception
We are not holding a sangeet. Instead there are three dances in the middle of Sunday evening, danced by our immediate families: one Bollywood, one K-pop, and our first dance.
None of them is long, and you only have to watch. The floor opens after the third, and we hope you will come out.
Practical
Saturday runs the Indian and Korean ceremonies back to back, then dinner. Sunday is about thirty minutes, then the reception. You are invited to both days, and just as welcome at only one.
Nothing is required. Sit down and enjoy it. Where there is something to join, someone will say so clearly, and no one minds in the least if you would rather watch.
Please do, with one exception. During the vows we would rather see faces than phones. Our photographer has that part in hand.
The Sunday ceremony is outdoors at Willow Heights Mansion. A paved walkway carries you to the site, but the seating is on grass, so a block heel or a wedge is the wiser choice.